there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
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