she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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