Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
