Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
