I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We are all done wearing pants today
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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