i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
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