onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
