Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize