I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
