So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
