whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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