Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
