I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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