You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
