I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
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