i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
two words...techno handjob
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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