Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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