Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Congratulations! We have a period
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