If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize