I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize