I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
