when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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