Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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