o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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