she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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