Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Is Oprah even human
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
