I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
