I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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