I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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