You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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