Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
