We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
