I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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