My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
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