When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Acid is not a monday night drug
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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