We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
