Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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