You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
