I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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