Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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