tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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