P.S. I can't hear my feet
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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