dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
