Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
