This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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