Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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