If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
