just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
