**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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