they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
