saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
