whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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