i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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