I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
